An Open Letter To My Oldest Step-Sons Bio-Mom

While I may never become a biological mother, and I may never feel the kicking and fluttering of a little one growing inside of me, I may not have been afforded the joy of seeing and sharing some of his firsts. However emotional I become at times in the realization of this. I am forever grateful to have been gifted the opportunity to help raise and nurture three absolutely amazing sons. One of whom, came from you. While I cannot begin to imagine your feelings and discomfort of having to unwilling share this little boy who came from you, I can hope to share with you in your amazement and joy of the little boy who he has become over the past 6 years and who he will become into adulthood .

While not ideal, and 8 years ago, I’m sure you never imagined that you would be raising him apart from his father, (let alone with another woman) but please know that for me, I never imagined this for myself either. Step-parenting, co-parenting, parenting in general can be emotionally taxing, confusing and downright frustrating at times, especially from a standpoint of feeling a special bond and so much love towards the little boy who you made, who did not come from me. Sleepless nights wondering if these feelings are OK. I can’t imagine being a biological mother and knowing that another woman is cheering on my son at his games, calming my little ones fears or kissing his boo-boos when he was so small. I understand that in an ideal world, those things are reserved just for mommy’s and daddy’s. Naturally though; excitement for life, comforting people and having compassion have always been characteristics of mine, and they just flowed over into my parenting style.

I want you to know that I have the upmost respect for you as a mother and as a woman, and that I also have a tremendous love and desire to help shape and influence this little boy. I try my best to consider your feelings, and to keep you in mind when situations arise where I feel that you may want to be informed. I try to send you messages and pictures while he is away from you, because I know that as a person (and as a mom) missing your little one is stressful and causes anxieties. I’ve personally experienced physical illness being away from my little ones at times in the past. Granted they were in a much different situation at that time, and thankfully for my younger two, they no longer have to be separated or experience those times any longer. So there, with you, I can relate.

I am not here to try and ever take your place, you are a wonderful irreplaceable mother. But know, that I am hopeful for the day where we have a mutual understanding that (no matter how we got to the place that we are now), we are all in this little boy’s life to give him the very best experience and upbringing that we can possibly give to him! Please never second guess that while he is home with us, whether or not he is our top priority along with his brothers, he is, they ARE. That he is safe, loved unconditionally and that he is growing and learning who he is from another perspective.

We may all have doubts and misunderstandings along the way, and that is ok, none of us are perfect! I am not perfect! I have my many flaws, as you no doubt have yours. This in fact, we have in common. Having your little boy come into my life has been one of my most precious blessings. The personal growth that has come along with parenting, the amount of love and joy that fills my heart are incomparable, incomprehensible to any other feeling that I can ever imagine. I cannot put into words how proud I am to see this little boy beaming with excitement when he has accomplished a goal or overcome a feat that he has worked so hard towards. He may not have come from me, but the pride I hold for being a part of his life is not dependent upon where he comes from. He is an amazing, inspirational 8 year old, who is going to do some amazing things in his life!

So I say to you this, thank you. That no matter the way you feel about me, you allow him to love me without apprehension. You do not anger when he runs to hug me & hold my hand! Thank you for being kind to me when I cheer him on at his events & when I pick him up and squeeze him after an accomplishment! While I completely understand that we don’t have to skip down the sidewalk being the best of friends, I find a certain comfort in knowing that we can appreciate each other & that we are two people with a common goal. Just as I want the best for him, I want the best for you as well!